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" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "

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" I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's. "

" I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major. "

" Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. "

" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "

" I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. "

" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "

" I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. "

" To me, comedy is a game. "

" If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. "

" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "

" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "

" It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. "

" I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. "

" But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. "

" I like women, but you can't always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog's name and then I asked, 'Does he bite?' and she said, 'No.' And I said, 'So how does he eat?' Liar! "

" I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. "

" I never set out to do a sketch show. "

" I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' "

" As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress. "

" I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. "

" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "

" But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. "

" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes. "

" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "

" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "

" And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. "

" People only have so much attention. "

" Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. "