Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. "

Related Quotes:

" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "

" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "

" Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. "

" I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. "

" I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale. "

" I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me. "

" When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. "

" And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. "

" Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron. "

" There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. "

" Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival. "

" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

" As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it. "

" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "

" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "

" I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.' "

" People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. "

" I'm always excited to try something I haven't done. "

" I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' "

" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "

" If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. "

" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "

" The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience. "

" I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up. "

" They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that. "

" I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'. "

" I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television. "

" I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. "

" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "

Looking Forward

" I'd love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I'm proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that. "