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" Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. "

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" I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.' "

" People only have so much attention. "

" Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. "

" When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding. "

" I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up. "

" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "

" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "

Looking Forward

" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "

" And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money. "

" As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it. "

" I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me. "

" I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' "

" My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. "

" But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me. "

" I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. "

" Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away. "

" If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters. "

" I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. "

" I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there. "

" But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. "

" I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. "

" I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. "

" I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' "

" Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron. "

" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "

" It's very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you're dead, and I'm going to say that's got to be a letdown. "

" To me, comedy is a game. "

" There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time. "

" Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. "