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" The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. "

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" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

" It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. "

" I like stand-up. But I'd also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there's people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary. "

" It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something. "

" It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive. "

" Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it. "

" My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.' "

" I wasn't even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know - a lot of my friends are comedians - they knew a lot about comedy growing up. "

" I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. "

" I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs. "

" Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. "

" But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. "

" Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest. "

" I've often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn't like me that way. I've definitely done time in the friend zone. "

" Let no man's deathbed be a futon. "

" I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. "

" My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. "

" Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral. "

" I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar. "

" I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. "

" I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes. "

" For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' "

" To me, comedy is a game. "

" As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it. "

" Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline. "

" If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half. "

" A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy. "

" I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie. "

" People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. "

" I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. "