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" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "

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" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "

Demetri Martin

Day

Looking

Looking Forward

" When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. "

" You see much more of your children once they leave home. "

" 'I Love You, Man' was kind of funny. "

" Scenes change all the time. Scenes will change while you're shooting them, and you just have to roll with it 'cause that's what makes it funny. It's not being stuck in your character and how you're gonna do something, but to react to other people and to really have a real-life conversation. "

" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "

" My mama never wore a pair of pants when I was growing up, and now that's all she wears. It was so funny for me when I first started seeing Mama wear pants. It was like it wasn't Mama. Now I've bought her many a pantsuit because she just lives in them. "

" I think maybe one reason why ventriloquists are looked down on is because it's very difficult to be funny. I think what happens is that people get a dummy, they learn the technique of ventriloquism, they memorize the script, they think they're in show business. "

" If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable. "

" I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat. "

" How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. "

" I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association. "

" Weather forecast for tonight: dark. "

" All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. "

" It's a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children. "

" Sometimes I think I'm funny. But then sometimes I see myself, and I think, 'There's somebody trying to be funny.' "

" It's a funny thing: my name in Arabic means hope, so I suppose I have to live by that principle. Hope is desire, feeling, and investing in a projection of something that doesn't yet exist. At its best, you witness its alchemy in your life, turning something that was once in the mind into reality. At its worst, it's delusion. "

" What's funny is that the idea of popularity - even the use of the word 'popular' - is something that had been mostly absent from my life since junior high. In fact, the hallmark of life after junior high seemed to be the shedding of popularity as a central concern. "

" The next time you have a thought... let it go. "

Ron White

Funny

You

" People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart - especially if the human is kind of hairy. "

" I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.' "

Demetri Martin

You

I Am

" Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish. "

" Lana Turner was adorable and funny. Jimmy Stewart was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice person, you're not going to last in this business. I mean, once your box office starts to drop off, like Veronica Lake, they'll get rid of you fast. "

" You can't be a real spy and have everybody in the world know who you are and what your drink is. That's just hysterically funny. "

" When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. "

Albert Einstein

Sit

You

" Things that I feel really sad about, I talk about. That way, if it's funny, it doesn't hurt anymore. "

" The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. "

Demetri Martin

Great

Digital

" I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!' "

Demetri Martin

Game

Busy

" Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. "

Benjamin Franklin

See

Wine

" Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. "

Zach Galifianakis

Funny

Rudeness