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" I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming. "
Demetri Martin
Think
Stuff
Dreaming
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" Being funny wasn't a career choice growing up, it was my way out of situations; a way to survive another day. "
Tracy Morgan
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" You're only as good as your last haircut. "
Fran Lebowitz
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" If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer. "
Rob Corddry
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" And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track. "
Demetri Martin
Day
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" I have found that people who really want to work at 'Saturday Night Live' and pursue it get pretty close. You have to be funny - but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it's kind of nice in that way - there's a lot of people who say, 'I just always wanted to do this, and now I'm doing it.' "
John Mulaney
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" My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. "
Mike Myers
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" When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. "
Jane Wagner
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" It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "
H. L. Mencken
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" In entertainment, I adore Ricky Gervais in 'Derek.' His performance is unbelievably charming, funny and poignant. In life, I adore my girlfriend. She is the most adorable person I have ever met - from her silly jokes to her cute teeth to her little drawings. "
Josh Zuckerman
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" Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. "
Demetri Martin
Holder
Balloon
Breath
" The 'Billionaire' song is what my kids tease me with. They sing it to me. It's funny. "
Bill Gates
Funny
Sing
Song
" I always just wanted to be funny. I never really planned to be scary. "
R. L. Stine
Scary
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Never
" The funny guy doesn't get the girl until later in life. High school, college, everyone still wants the brooding, dangerous guy you shouldn't have. "
Will Ferrell
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" Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn. "
Hesiod
Your
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" The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest. "
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" Comedy is a tool of togetherness. It's a way of putting your arm around someone, pointing at something, and saying, 'Isn't it funny that we do that?' It's a way of reaching out. "
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" As for our majority... one is enough. "
Benjamin Disraeli
Majority
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" A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. "
Demetri Martin
Drunk
He
Persuasive
" So to me, Texas Hold 'em puts me to sleep. At least when you play stud, you can be funny as you deal. Somebody some day is going to come up with a Stud show that's going to work. "
Joseph Bologna
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" I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings. "
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" You can't do anything to be funny. That's cringeworthy. If your humor comes out of a place of love every time, you don't make the joke bigger than you. The funniest comedians are in touch with their emotional level. "
John Krasinski
Humor
Funny
Love
" Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine. "
Christopher Plummer
Over
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" I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. "
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" I read part of it all the way through. "
Samuel Goldwyn
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" What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. "
Jerome K. Jerome
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" At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.' "
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" Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion. "
George Orwell
Funny
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" I've never been to a dinner party where everyone at the dinner table didn't say something funny. "
Lorrie Moore
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Dinner
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" I was just a goofy little funny kid, who was always getting sent to the principal. It wasn't serious because I was smart. I wasn't like a true troublemaker, just rambunctious - like, talkative and trying to be funny. That was me in middle-school. "
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" I really love showing up at work at 10 A.M., trying to make it funny until 3 P.M., and then going home. It's like comedy bankers' hours. "
Chris Eigeman
Work
Going Home
Home