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" I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business. "

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" I like doing a bunch of different things, being all over the place. "

" I have problems with YouTube and things like that, when you catch it mid production. If I'm doing a show and I'm working on a bit and someone's there with a phone, they record it and put it online - it's not the finished product. "

" I watch Jay. I watch 'Letterman'. I flip back and forth between 'Conan' and 'Letterman', especially the top of the show for those guys. "

" I'm always thinking of stuff; I just don't sit down and write it. I come up with material more as I go along; if something funny happens, I'll make a note of it on my phone. "

" I think sometimes celebrities can hurt a candidate. You don't want people to judge them on your last project. "

" That's why I talk about the breast cancer: because I want women - and everyone - to stay on top of things and get checked. I know how scary it can be. When I dealt with it, I was like, 'Oh my God.' And I have so many other friends who have gone through it or have suffered a loss. "

" A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh. "

" My wife asked me if I ever thought I would ever retire from stand-up. And I thought about it, and I was like, 'No, because it's my job; it's what I do, and I enjoy it.' It's still the most challenging thing for me to do. "

" I guess because of my act, people think that I say things they want to say, and that they can just come up and say anything to me. "

" I'm here today because I hated everything else. "

" Sometimes black people really want to hold onto our oppression - 'This is ours! This belongs to us.' You can't just talk about equality for somebody else. Let's pass it on. Let's pass it on to somebody else. At the end of the day, it is all about inequality. "

" I tried theatre. I played Miss Hannigan for a short run of Annie at a regional theatre. That was fun. I enjoyed it! I enjoy theatre and have so much respect for theatre actors. "

" D.C. is where I started. That's home for me. I always love coming back to the area. They treat me so well, and people show up. They're excited and claim me as their own. I love it. "

" Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do. "

" Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire. "

" I have a lot of breast cancer history on my mother's side of the family. "

" I watched a lot of comedy growing up. "

" When I'm not on T.V. or working on a movie, I'm on the road doing stand-up. That's my roots. "

" I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance. "

" I enjoy stand-up because it has the biggest reward: instant gratification. You can hear the people laughing. "

" And then also I think it's harder for women because comedy is so opposite of being ladylike. "

" The government shouldn't be involved in this because it's very simple. If you don't believe in same-sex marriage, then don't marry somebody of the same sex. "

" It's not until you develop your own voice, your own persona onstage that you become your own comic, who you really are. "

" Men are dogs. Men are dogs. We got to stop it. Men are not dogs. Uh-uh. Dogs are loyal. "

" If a topic hits me, I'll start going on it. But you can't force it. "

" I worked with people like Edward Snowden. Well, not people who took stuff home. "

" I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up. "

" Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going. "

" Then you had people who wanted to get into comedy just to get a TV deal. "

" I had real big boobs, and I just got tired of knocking over stuff. Every time I eat, 'Oh, Lord'. I'd carry a Tide stick everywhere I go. My back was sore, so it was time to have a reduction. "