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" I think sometimes celebrities can hurt a candidate. You don't want people to judge them on your last project. "

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" I enjoy stand-up because it has the biggest reward: instant gratification. You can hear the people laughing. "

" If I did a talk show, this would allow me to speak on what's happening at that moment. I can be current, and I get to flex my stand-up muscle but stay at home without doing the traveling. "

" I'm here today because I hated everything else. "

" What drives the creative person is that we see it all. "

" I worked with people like Edward Snowden. Well, not people who took stuff home. "

" I was funny around my family. My family, they're pretty funny, too. "

" But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking. "

" I had real big boobs, and I just got tired of knocking over stuff. Every time I eat, 'Oh, Lord'. I'd carry a Tide stick everywhere I go. My back was sore, so it was time to have a reduction. "

" I have a lot of breast cancer history on my mother's side of the family. "

" Usually, there's nothing being thrown toward the stage or at me. Then I feel pretty good about it. "

" I couldn't believe that Donald Trump won. I couldn't believe that we elected an orangutan to front the country. "

" I noticed recently, in the last few shows I did, that I'm starting to get people - not a large group, but quite a few people - who come to see me because they love Curb Your Enthusiasm. "

" I watch Jay. I watch 'Letterman'. I flip back and forth between 'Conan' and 'Letterman', especially the top of the show for those guys. "

" I'm finally just relaxed and comfortable with who I am. "

" A woman would pitch a joke. Nothing. Then a guy would pitch it and everybody would laugh. "

" I'm always thinking of stuff; I just don't sit down and write it. I come up with material more as I go along; if something funny happens, I'll make a note of it on my phone. "

" When I'm not on T.V. or working on a movie, I'm on the road doing stand-up. That's my roots. "

" That's why I talk about the breast cancer: because I want women - and everyone - to stay on top of things and get checked. I know how scary it can be. When I dealt with it, I was like, 'Oh my God.' And I have so many other friends who have gone through it or have suffered a loss. "

" My voice is distinctive: there's a rhythm to it, and also, it's funny. I was just blessed with a funny-sounding voice. "

" There's so many good comedians in D.C. I started hanging out with those guys. Dave Chappelle was there. Actually, Dave was too young to be in the clubs, so when his mom couldn't make it, he would ask me to pretend I was his aunt, so he could do open mike. "

" It wasn't until after the reduction that in the lab work, the pathology, that they found that I had DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) in my left breast. I was very, very lucky because DCIS is basically stage-zero cancer. So I was very lucky. "

" Men are dogs. Men are dogs. We got to stop it. Men are not dogs. Uh-uh. Dogs are loyal. "

" It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes. "

" I was working at the NSA. I don't know, I was just bored. I just knew that's not what I was supposed to be doing with my life. "

" Actually, I majored in marketing and I have a bachelor of science. "

" I tried theatre. I played Miss Hannigan for a short run of Annie at a regional theatre. That was fun. I enjoyed it! I enjoy theatre and have so much respect for theatre actors. "

" But I think funny and talent will always win out; I mean, of course there are hurdles, but I think if you're funny you will get over all of that. "

" I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business. "

" I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance. "

" I remember, when I was a kid, my summers were pretty much running around, riding your bike, and then complaining about you were bored. "