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" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "
Elayne Boosler
Matter
Three
Door
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" Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. "
Jim Carrey
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" I am built funny. Picture Mark Twain's head on Ichabod Crane's body. Now hold your mental picture to the light and crumple it. "
Donald McCaig
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Body
" There are certain sorts of jokes which have only to do with the substitution of the unexpected word in a familiar context. If you translated something into French and then had it translated back into English by somebody who didn't know the original, you'd lose what was funny. "
Tom Stoppard
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" Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. "
Robert Benchley
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Nothing
" I can really stir up a conversation. Every time I go to a meeting or a casting, I try to make it as light and funny as I can. I'm always making really awkward jokes. You have to make life fun and not take it too seriously. I may look like I'm very serious and into my work, but if you knew me, I'm just a jokester. "
Charlotte McKinney
Light
Work
Fun
" I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. "
Walt Whitman
Believe
Doubt
Enemies
" My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They're loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, 'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.' Funny thought. "
Brendon Urie
Friend
Thought
Dog
" There is always something funny going on between scenes with Adam Sandler. He's always cracking jokes and yelling at people for no reason. It's pretty funny. He'll joke around during scenes, too. When he guest-starred on 'Jessie,' there was nothing in the script that he said first take. "
Cameron Boyce
Always
People
Nothing
" Men are only as loyal as their options. "
Bill Maher
Funny
Options
Only
" I discovered that funny animal pictures - memes - would get a lot of likes and shares. "
George Takei
Lot
Likes
Pictures
" I'm not a fan of any genre but am a fan of movies that are intelligent and/or funny. That goes across all genres: a horror movie, a zombie movie, alien invaders, chick flick, or raunchy comedy. If it's well done, I'm a fan. "
J. K. Simmons
Well Done
Movies
Funny
" I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? "
Elayne Boosler
Basketball
Three
Find
" I write funny. If I can make my wife laugh, I know I'm on the right track. But yes, I don't like to get Maudlin. And I have a tendency towards it. "
Gene Wilder
Laugh
Wife
Right
" When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. "
Elayne Boosler
Day
You
Comedy
" I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life. "
Karan Patel
Life
I Am
Enjoy Life
" I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back. "
Richard Lewis
Funny
Back
Trying
" Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. "
Elayne Boosler
You
Know
Better
" The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. "
Demetri Martin
Actor
Like
Funny
" By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. "
Richard Dawkins
Out
Funny
Drop
" You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. "
Elayne Boosler
Bald
You
Woman
" I have a rule - 'funny is funny!' When I write comedy, it's not my aim to upset people. I will be offensive, edgy and immature, but I will also be very intelligent and relevant. At my shows, there are no holy cows. "
Vir Das
Edgy
Intelligent
Comedy
" The funny thing is, I've never really hurt myself in an action movie. I've done 'Wanted,' 'X-Men,' 'Welcome To The Punch,' even 'Trance' to a certain extent has little bits of action and stuff, but I've never really hurt myself at all - not even like a sprained ankle. "
James McAvoy
Myself
Funny
Action
" Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself. "
Cathy Guisewite
Yourself
Your
Rebel
" I direct with energy. I believe in energy. I think energy is an electric thing in actors. I try to inspire, encourage, and make choices with lots of energy. And truth. I'm big fan of truth and being funny. I like leading 50 people into battle every day. "
Matthew Lillard
People
Truth
Think
" When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. "
Elayne Boosler
New
Black
End
" I was flying with my brother, and he challenged me to work out on the airplane. He thought it was funny - and I did it! "
Izabel Goulart
Flying
Work
Funny
" I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. "
Emo Philips
Door
Next
Kid
" We are all born mad. Some remain so. "
Samuel Beckett
Mad
Remain
Some
" My mother was a very, very funny, outrageous, outspoken person, and she never edited me. Her whole thing in my life was if anybody had a problem with me, tell them to go to hell. "
Tig Notaro
Hell
Funny
Life
" It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. "
Arthur C. Clarke
Intelligence
Funny
Survival