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" I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women. "

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" Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone. "

" My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning. "

" Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress. "

" Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating. "

" The message of great art is to disturb. "

" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "

" When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. "

" Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded. "

" I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. "

" I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. "

" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "

" Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected. "

" You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. "

" I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. "

" I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble. "

" I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.' "

" I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with. "

" I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards. "

" I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers. "

" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "

" I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. "

" Horse racing is waning in popularity. "

" I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? "

" When the sun comes up, I have morals again. "

" I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope. "

" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

" Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help. "

" We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture. "

" A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life. "

" There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. "