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" My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. "
Elayne Boosler
Done
Final
Guy
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" Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full. "
Elayne Boosler
Speech
Court
Now
" To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. "
Elayne Boosler
Listen
Your
Silence
" I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.' "
Elayne Boosler
Me
Money
Myself
" Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded. "
Elayne Boosler
Frontier
Ever
Almost
" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "
Elayne Boosler
Alone
Know
Men
" Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone. "
Elayne Boosler
See
Phone
Breath
" You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. "
Elayne Boosler
Bald
You
Woman
" I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' "
Elayne Boosler
History
Car
Thankful
" I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. "
Elayne Boosler
Die
Think
Death
" We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture. "
Elayne Boosler
Drawing
Never
Picture
" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "
Elayne Boosler
Person
Trapped
Body
" I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. "
Elayne Boosler
Never
Remember
Choice
" I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards. "
Elayne Boosler
America
You
Art
" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "
Elayne Boosler
Men
Wilderness
Ancestors
" Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.' "
Elayne Boosler
Place
Breakfast
Morning
" I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women. "
Elayne Boosler
Think
Women
Myself
" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "
Elayne Boosler
Hair
You
Dog
" When the sun comes up, I have morals again. "
Elayne Boosler
Up
Again
Morals
" I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? "
Elayne Boosler
Basketball
Three
Find
" When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. "
Elayne Boosler
New
Black
End
" For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper. "
Elayne Boosler
Human
Me
Newspaper
" We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. "
Elayne Boosler
Animals
Face
Wild
" When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. "
Elayne Boosler
Thinking
Shopping
Men
" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "
Elayne Boosler
Never
Been
Able
" I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope. "
Elayne Boosler
Hope
Love
Moving
" I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.' "
Elayne Boosler
Dog
Time
Money
" I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers. "
Elayne Boosler
Find
Us
You
" I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. "
Elayne Boosler
Food
Thankful
Me
" Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. "
Elayne Boosler
You
Know
Better
" A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life. "
Elayne Boosler
Life
Page
Long