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" Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.' "

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" I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with. "

Elayne Boosler

People

Away

I Think

" I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. "

" Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone. "

" To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. "

" I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. "

" My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant. "

" I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. "

" You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. "

" As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. "

" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "

" There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. "

" Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two. "

" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "

" We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. "

" I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.' "

" Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. "

" I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. "

" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

" I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. "

" I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' "

" I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. "

" I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years. "

" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "

" For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper. "

Elayne Boosler

Human

Newspaper

" I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers. "

Elayne Boosler

Find

You

" You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. "

" Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress. "

" Sometimes, if you really don't know how you feel about a topic, reading how both sides argue it can help. "

" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "

" We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture. "