Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. "

Related Quotes:

" Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying. "

" Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone. "

" San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people. "

" I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope. "

" Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full. "

" Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers. "

" We've seen the uproars around the world concerning cartoons depicting the prophet Mohammad. Anyone who does not think comic strips are relevant never had a fatwa put on him/her for drawing a picture. "

" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "

" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

" When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. "

" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "

" To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. "

" I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. "

" We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. "

" While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. "

" I deliver very traditionally, and people aren't threatened. I think if I cursed or seemed wilder, I couldn't get away with the amount of very opinionated politics I get away with. "

" I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. "

" I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. "

" As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. "

" My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. "

" I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.' "

" Horse racing is waning in popularity. "

" I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers. "

" I like to go after the foibles, basically of beliefs that are held without question. If people still want to believe in their stuff after that, that's great - as long as they just have a chance to step back and look at it for a second. Sometimes, you don't even realize what you've been thinking for 20 years. "

" I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years. "

" Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers? "

" I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. "

" There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. "

" You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. "

" When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. "