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" I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out. "

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" I knew Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were really talented. As actors, they were both studly young men, and they had great writers' chops. "

" The improv, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running. "

" The idea of having a steady job is appealing. "

" I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience. "

" The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery. "

Second Amendment

" It's hard when you read an article saying bad things about you. It is as if someone is sticking a knife on your heart. But I am the harshest critic of my work. "

" Sometimes you have to make a movie to make money. "

" Winning an Oscar is an honor, but, between you and me, it does not makes things easier. "

" In America they really do mythologise people when they die. "

" I only ever play Vegas one night at a time. It's a hideous, gaudy place; it may not be the end of the world per se, but you can certainly see it from there. "

" When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? "

" For me, comedy starts as a spew, a kind of explosion, and then you sculpt it from there, if at all. It comes out of a deeper, darker side. Maybe it comes from anger, because I'm outraged by cruel absurdities, the hypocrisy that exists everywhere, even within yourself, where it's hardest to see. "

" You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks. "

" I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. "

" You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. "

" I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, 'My boy's got learnin'!' "

" Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work! "

" Tweets? That stuff kills conversation. And people taking pictures with their phone or recording you, sometimes surreptitiously, is creepy. They come up and just start talking to you, and you can see the red light on their phone. "

" The bad thing about being a famous comedian is that every now and then someone approaches me to tell an old joke. Don't tell me jokes - I have that. People also say the weirdest things, sometimes sarcastic things, and even evil things. They like to provoke to get a reaction. "

" Politics is so personal, vicious and immediate, how are you going to get anything done? Even the local politics where I live have gotten so ugly. "

" From the point of view of being in the public radar, comedians have less problems than other actors. Action movie stars like Stallone or Schwarzenegger usually attract the more aggressive fans. "

" If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. "

" I love kids, but they are a tough audience. "

" The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?' "

" I don't do well with snakes and I can't dance. "

" A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while. "

" Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma. "

" I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process. "

" Acting is different from stand-up. It gives you this ability to enter into another character, to create another person. "

" The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev. "