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" The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery. "

Second Amendment

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" When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?' "

" In the process of looking for comedy, you have to be deeply honest. And in doing that, you'll find out here's the other side. You'll be looking under the rock occasionally for the laughter. "

" I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process. "

" When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? "

" We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. "

" I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people. "

" In 'The Secret Agent,' it's basically a character that was admired by Theodore Kaczynski, which is some fan mail you don't really want to open. This is a man who is a chemist and who specializes in making bombs and despises humanity. "

" The bad thing about being a famous comedian is that every now and then someone approaches me to tell an old joke. Don't tell me jokes - I have that. People also say the weirdest things, sometimes sarcastic things, and even evil things. They like to provoke to get a reaction. "

" People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. "

" I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way. "

" Look at the walls of Pompeii. That's what got the internet started. "

" I knew Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were really talented. As actors, they were both studly young men, and they had great writers' chops. "

" In America they really do mythologise people when they die. "

" Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason. "

" I love kids, but they are a tough audience. "

" I only ever play Vegas one night at a time. It's a hideous, gaudy place; it may not be the end of the world per se, but you can certainly see it from there. "

" The idea of having a steady job is appealing. "

" The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev. "

" I basically started performing for my mother, going, 'Love me!' What drives you to perform is the need for that primal connection. When I was little, my mother was funny with me, and I started to be charming and funny for her, and I learned that by being entertaining, you make a connection with another person. "

" The improv, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running. "

" Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!' "

" Winning an Oscar is an honor, but, between you and me, it does not makes things easier. "

" When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side. "

" From the point of view of being in the public radar, comedians have less problems than other actors. Action movie stars like Stallone or Schwarzenegger usually attract the more aggressive fans. "

" Comedy is acting out optimism. "

" I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out. "

" If Heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing. "

" I enjoy performing for heavily armed people. It's easier than going to Georgia. "

" You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous. "

" One of my favourite actors of all time, although he doesn't necessarily play villains, is Peter Lorre. "