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" I want to be a dog, but I'm a pussycat. "

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" Even when I was in high school and the Navy, I was the guy who could rip somebody, and they'd laugh at it. "

" Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich. "

" Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts. "

" I'm a New Yorker, originally. I was raised in Jackson Heights. I went to P.S. 148 and then Newtown High School. If World War II didn't come, I'd still be there in school. World War II saved me. "

" You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up. "

" When you first start out with something new, you're always a little uptight. "

" When I was a younger guy doing comedy, it was a big struggle. Promoters canceled me out of clubs left and right when I called somebody a dummy or a yo-yo. Then they realized I was different. "

" I was a mother's boy. "

" Girls were scared of me because I can be loud. Barbara, my wife of 51 years, is very low-key. She was my picture agent's secretary. "

" Frank Sinatra. Hey, Frank, I saw you in 'The Pride and Passion,' and I want to tell you the cannon was wonderful! "

" Johnny Carson was a big influence on me - all of those shows I did with him over the years, like, 100 of them, they made a bit of a name for me at the time, so that part of my life was very good. "

" Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera. "

" There's a difference between an actual insult and a friendly jab. So I don't think I'm offensive onstage. "

" Everything I've performed has been from my own head. "

" You know what's funny to me? Attitude. "

" I was 28 when my father died, and I was an only child. "

" I've never gone to comedy clubs. "

" I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. "

" I was in World War II; I cried when they took me in the Navy. That's the last time I cried. "

" Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones. "

" Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I know who's really famous. One minute he's talking to the president on his cell phone, and then the next minute he's saying to me, 'Do you think we ought to give the waiter another dollar?' "

" When I walk down the street in New York, I swear to God, the building constructor, the guy pounding cement and what not, will yell, 'Hey, you hockey puck!' "

" My grandchildren just know me now as Mr. Potato Head. "

" I stopped smoking. But my personality I still have. I get up in the morning, and not everybody loves me, so if you want to call that a bad habit, there's that. "

" I was always the guy who made jokes and ribbed people at parties. After I went to the American Academy of Dramatic Arts I got sidetracked into clubs and started doing comedy. "

" I mean, in my - and I'm not trying to do spilled milk, but in those days it was a little - I think it was much tougher, because you got an image, and you were in a saloon. And it was tough to come out of a saloon and to get in films, and to maintain an image, you know. "

" My wife came into my life, and my mother still wanted to be the boss. "

" My mother was a big influence. She kept pushing me because I was very shy and inhibited. And schoolwork was very difficult for me because I couldn't concentrate. I was failing almost every subject. To this day, I'm not too good at reading a book. But I was the president of my high school comedy group, and they treated me like a king. "

" To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it. "

" My mother was a Jewish General Patton. "