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" I was in World War II; I cried when they took me in the Navy. That's the last time I cried. "

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" So, I'm on the satellite every Sunday, no matter where we are, with the Rams. Turn on the satellite; got to watch the Rams. "

" When you first start out with something new, you're always a little uptight. "

" You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude. "

" I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while, I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game. "

" Johnny Carson was king of the kings, in my opinion. "

" An insult is mean or unkind. Milton Berle called me the Sultan of Insult, and I was called the King of Insult. But the guy that gave me the best title - and I use it to this day - was Johnny Carson. He called me Mr. Warmth. "

" Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God. "

" The man I adored, and miss him terribly, was Johnny Carson. "

" I was always the guy who made jokes and ribbed people at parties. After I went to the American Academy of Dramatic Arts I got sidetracked into clubs and started doing comedy. "

" The young comedians always ask me, 'What's the secret for staying around?' I tell them, 'There is no secret - just stay around. Longevity is the most important thing.' "

" When I got out of high school, I wanted to be an actor but was getting a lot of rejections. I was getting rejected by life. My mother, God rest her soul, told me not to quit. "

" Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper. "

" Why should I retire? I'm like a fighter. The bell rings, and you come out and fight. "

" Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts. "

" One thing a comedian does, when you step on the stage, you're selling yourself, and certainly I don't think the whole world can love you. But if you can get the majority on your side, you're really in business. "

" The average person pushes an elevator button 6 or 7 minutes before realizing it's not working. I did a study on this, you know. "

" I've been to Philadelphia a lot of times over the years, playing the old Celebrity Room and most of the other clubs around there that don't exist anymore. "

" Frank Sinatra. Hey, Frank, I saw you in 'The Pride and Passion,' and I want to tell you the cannon was wonderful! "

" Some people say funny things, but I say things funny. "

" I ride a recumbent bike for half an hour every day. "

" Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed. "

" I call myself an actor. I always wanted to be one. "

" Diana Krall I met in, I think it was Canada. She's a lovely lady. Her husband, Elvis Costello, is a great star. "

" I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. "

" I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym. "

" You throw your best punch, otherwise don't do it. "

" I've never had a written script. "

" The inaugural of Ronald Reagan, with Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. And that was the greatest thing. Ronald Reagan and George Bush. That was - I still remember like it was yesterday. "

" I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate. "

" They always use the word 'insult' with me, but I don't hurt anybody. I wouldn't be sitting here if I did. I make fun of everybody and exaggerate all our insecurities. "