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" My mother was a Jewish General Patton. "

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" My wife is great. She always goes to the bank to see if the check has cleared. "

" I did a picture 40 years ago with Carroll O'Connor and Telly Savalas, God rest their souls, and Clint Eastwood, called 'Kelly's Heroes,' which we filmed in Yugoslavia for six months. "

" Herb Solo at that time was the head of MGM. I said, 'I want to live like Clint Eastwood.' Did I know at that time Clint Eastwood, to him, Heaven was a truck, a dog, and a picnic basket for food or something? "

" I was nice to the people in the Philippines for the two and a half years I was there, because I knew eventually I'd have to kiss up to them so my grandchildren could have toys. "

" One thing a comedian does, when you step on the stage, you're selling yourself, and certainly I don't think the whole world can love you. But if you can get the majority on your side, you're really in business. "

" The highlight of my career was being at the inaugural gala of Ronald Reagan, and I owe that to Mr. Sinatra. "

" When you do comedy, you can't please the world, although I'd like to think that most of my audiences were on my side. "

" Sometimes, I knew generally what I was going to do, but I've never written anything down. Call it a sixth sense: the lines just come. "

" What keeps me going is that young people still want to see me. "

" You know what's funny to me? Attitude. "

" I busted my bird for 60 years in the business, but my grandkids only know me as Mr. Potato Head. "

" We were Orthodox Jews, but we really didn't deserve it. I mean, bacon - my father said, 'Don't put bacon in the house,' but we had bacon. We didn't keep kosher. And we observed which today would be Conservative Jews. But in those days, we belonged to an Orthodox temple. So we made out we were Orthodox Jews, but we really weren't. "

" The girls, like, in we'll say Hooters, have less clothing than the girls I worked with in those days. We thought it was wild when they just wore little bells and so forth. But today, in restaurants, some of the waitresses almost work in the nude, you know, to get business. "

" Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera. "

" Don't call me 'sir; 'King Jew' will do fine. "

" If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny. "

" I still have drive, but everything is relative. "

" I never went out looking for glory. "

" An 'insult comic' is the title I was given. What I do is exaggeration. I make fun of people, at life, of myself and my surroundings. "

" Funny is funny. "

" I've never had a written script. "

" Sinatra was somebody special. "

" Many, many years ago, I stood on the stage and told bad jokes and did Sophie Tucker as an impersonation, and nobody looked up; and suddenly, I looked down and said, 'Sir, I'm getting fed up with you. Either you watch, or I'm going to suck your neck,' or words to that effect, and suddenly people started to laugh. "

" Once in a while, when I'm alone, I think about my age. I think, 'How many more years do I have on this earth?' But I can't really conceive of dying. "

" I have to have energy because I have a lot of expenses. A couple of cars, couple of dogs and a big estate. "

" There's a difference between an actual insult and a friendly jab. So I don't think I'm offensive onstage. "

" My father was an insurance man and a small-time gambler. He was a good man, but he had an eye for the racehorses, and I saw how it used to bother my mother. I've never gambled a dime. Never, in all those years in Vegas. "

" Being in the Navy, when I came home, it changed your whole life. You're 18, you go away for two and a half years, you come home - boy, you're a different person. "

" I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.' "

" I was always the guy who made jokes and ribbed people at parties. After I went to the American Academy of Dramatic Arts I got sidetracked into clubs and started doing comedy. "