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" When I walk down the street in New York, I swear to God, the building constructor, the guy pounding cement and what not, will yell, 'Hey, you hockey puck!' "
Don Rickles
Walk
God
Hockey
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" My wife, Barbara, is great. She arranges when I do work that I have a day off between performances. "
Don Rickles
Day
Wife
Off
" I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner. "
Don Rickles
Lukewarm
Hot
Always
" When I'm onstage, I'm acting. "
Don Rickles
Acting
Onstage
" If I have learned anything, it is to keep my wife happy by sending her lavish gifts. Other men can learn from my success and send their wives and girlfriends fresh flowers for birthdays, anniversaries, and of course, Valentine's Day. "
Don Rickles
Men
Success
Wife
" I don't practice or write stuff down - everything I do onstage was just made up before I went on. "
Don Rickles
Write
Down
Everything
" The girls, like, in we'll say Hooters, have less clothing than the girls I worked with in those days. We thought it was wild when they just wore little bells and so forth. But today, in restaurants, some of the waitresses almost work in the nude, you know, to get business. "
Don Rickles
Thought
Know
Today
" I want to be a dog, but I'm a pussycat. "
Don Rickles
Dog
Want
" I was always the guy - out of insecurities, I was always making fun, even as a kid. "
Don Rickles
Guy
Out
Kid
" Famous people are deceptive. Deep down, they're just regular people. Like Larry King. We've been friends for forty years. He's one of the few guys I know who's really famous. One minute he's talking to the president on his cell phone, and then the next minute he's saying to me, 'Do you think we ought to give the waiter another dollar?' "
Don Rickles
Think
Cell Phone
People
" I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.' "
Don Rickles
Vegas
Great
Say
" Diana Krall I met in, I think it was Canada. She's a lovely lady. Her husband, Elvis Costello, is a great star. "
Don Rickles
Think
She
Great
" After I graduated, I tried Broadway, which was difficult for me. It was tough to get a part on Broadway, so I just started talking to audiences at different social gatherings, and little by little I became Don Rickles - whatever that is. "
Don Rickles
Me
Talking
Difficult
" My father was an insurance man and a small-time gambler. He was a good man, but he had an eye for the racehorses, and I saw how it used to bother my mother. I've never gambled a dime. Never, in all those years in Vegas. "
Don Rickles
Eye
Mother
Man
" Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap. "
Don Rickles
Like
Empire
Building
" Funny is funny. "
Don Rickles
Funny
" I don't do impressions. "
Don Rickles
Impressions
" Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God. "
Don Rickles
Friends
God
Thank God
" I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it. "
Don Rickles
Know
Problem
Midnight
" Now when I'm not working, I don't really hang out with the young comics. "
Don Rickles
Really
Out
Young
" Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel. "
Don Rickles
End
Never
End Of The Tunnel
" When you first start out with something new, you're always a little uptight. "
Don Rickles
You
New
Little
" Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend! "
Don Rickles
Fear
Night
Mind
" An 'insult comic' is the title I was given. What I do is exaggeration. I make fun of people, at life, of myself and my surroundings. "
Don Rickles
People
Insult
Title
" Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts. "
Don Rickles
Lot
Nice
Burn
" I always rib people, but nobody ever gives me a hard time. I don't know why. Maybe they're afraid of what I might say. There's probably a lesson in that somewhere, but I don't know what it is. "
Don Rickles
Time
Say
People
" The average person pushes an elevator button 6 or 7 minutes before realizing it's not working. I did a study on this, you know. "
Don Rickles
Know
Elevator
Person
" Bob Hope was totally regimented. I go in and say a line like, 'Hi Bob' and I'd have to do it five times, and then Bob would take me to the writers to say the line different ways. He wouldn't let me ad-lib. "
Don Rickles
Go
Like
Hope
" You've got to be able to sell yourself. "
Don Rickles
You
Able
Got
" I mean, in my - and I'm not trying to do spilled milk, but in those days it was a little - I think it was much tougher, because you got an image, and you were in a saloon. And it was tough to come out of a saloon and to get in films, and to maintain an image, you know. "
Don Rickles
Think
Tough
Mean
" When I was a younger guy doing comedy, it was a big struggle. Promoters canceled me out of clubs left and right when I called somebody a dummy or a yo-yo. Then they realized I was different. "
Don Rickles
Me
Struggle
Comedy