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" Even when I was in high school and the Navy, I was the guy who could rip somebody, and they'd laugh at it. "

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" I like to think I'm like the guy who goes to the office Christmas party Friday night, insults some people, but still has his job Monday morning. "

" I was a mother's boy. "

" When I'm onstage, I'm acting. "

" I enjoy mixed audiences, not one particular group. Short, tall, scientists, Jews, gentiles, whatever, as long as they breathe and like to laugh. "

" It's very sweet to have people say nice things about you, and I always accept that. "

" I've never had a written script. "

" Smartphones. Who cares? Smartphones. I only have dummy phones. "

" I don't do impressions. "

" I mean, in my - and I'm not trying to do spilled milk, but in those days it was a little - I think it was much tougher, because you got an image, and you were in a saloon. And it was tough to come out of a saloon and to get in films, and to maintain an image, you know. "

" Frank Sinatra. Hey, Frank, I saw you in 'The Pride and Passion,' and I want to tell you the cannon was wonderful! "

" I spent two and a half years in the Philippines in World War II. "

" You got to have a lot of courage. Secondly, whatever it is you're doing, you have to believe in it wholeheartedly. Thirdly, you have to be able to stand up in front of people and know that they'll laugh. "

" Funny is funny. "

" Political correctness? In my humor, I never talk about politics. I was never much into all that. "

" I'm not one of those guys who wants to die on a stage. "

" I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book. "

" Bob Newhart, who is my best friend, is one of the guys I adore. "

" I ride a recumbent bike for half an hour every day. "

" I'm a New Yorker, originally. I was raised in Jackson Heights. I went to P.S. 148 and then Newtown High School. If World War II didn't come, I'd still be there in school. World War II saved me. "

" Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend! "

" Many, many years ago, I stood on the stage and told bad jokes and did Sophie Tucker as an impersonation, and nobody looked up; and suddenly, I looked down and said, 'Sir, I'm getting fed up with you. Either you watch, or I'm going to suck your neck,' or words to that effect, and suddenly people started to laugh. "

" After over 50 years of headlining, I've been received very beautifully. But I always say, when you're onstage, you can't please everybody. I'm sure there are people who may not take to what I do, but that's OK. "

" Among my friends, I'm not a little Boy Scout, and they love my humor, thank God. "

" Las Vegas is the boiling pot of entertainment. "

" Some people say funny things, but I say things funny. "

" To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it. "

" Show business is my life. When I was a kid I sold insurance, but nobody laughed. "

" I stopped smoking. But my personality I still have. I get up in the morning, and not everybody loves me, so if you want to call that a bad habit, there's that. "

" The inaugural of Ronald Reagan, with Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. And that was the greatest thing. Ronald Reagan and George Bush. That was - I still remember like it was yesterday. "

" My wife is great. She always goes to the bank to see if the check has cleared. "