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" I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. "
Don Rickles
Stand Up
Stand
Know
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" Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is. "
Don Rickles
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Crazy
Head
" After I graduated, I tried Broadway, which was difficult for me. It was tough to get a part on Broadway, so I just started talking to audiences at different social gatherings, and little by little I became Don Rickles - whatever that is. "
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" Compared to what comics say today, I'm a monk, but in those days, it was unheard of to make fun of people like I did. Of course, they exaggerated how outrageous I really was. "
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" I want to be a dog, but I'm a pussycat. "
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" One thing a comedian does, when you step on the stage, you're selling yourself, and certainly I don't think the whole world can love you. But if you can get the majority on your side, you're really in business. "
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" In our day we went from - we went into saloons. We couldn't cross over like you can today, get a television series and all of a sudden you're a major movie star, you know. "
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Television
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" Now when I'm not working, I don't really hang out with the young comics. "
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" Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel. "
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End
Never
End Of The Tunnel
" I exaggerate all our selves, our beings. I make fun of everything: of our life and what we are. But I don't tell jokes, really. I just exaggerate life, and it comes out funny. "
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Everything
Life
Out
" Italians are fantastic people, really. They can work you over in an alley while singing an opera. "
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Alley
Work
Singing
" I spent two and a half years in the Philippines in World War II. "
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World
World War II
Years
" When I was a younger guy doing comedy, it was a big struggle. Promoters canceled me out of clubs left and right when I called somebody a dummy or a yo-yo. Then they realized I was different. "
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Me
Struggle
Comedy
" I'd like to think my performance is today. I never try to - it's so, as you know, watching me, I have a beginning, middle and ending. But every night the show changes and I relate to an audience and I relate to the young people. "
Don Rickles
Night
Beginning
People
" Many, many years ago, I stood on the stage and told bad jokes and did Sophie Tucker as an impersonation, and nobody looked up; and suddenly, I looked down and said, 'Sir, I'm getting fed up with you. Either you watch, or I'm going to suck your neck,' or words to that effect, and suddenly people started to laugh. "
Don Rickles
People
You
Bad
" To this day, when I say that I went to the American Academy, people are very impressed. The reputation of the school has always been fantastic. "
Don Rickles
Say
People
Day
" I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room. "
Don Rickles
Quit
Doctor
Room
" I couldn't sell air conditioners on a 98-degree day. When I demonstrated them in a showroom, I pushed the wrong button and blew the circuit. "
Don Rickles
Circuit
Sell
Wrong
" It's tough having the last name 'Rickles.' Luckily, my kids handled it great. "
Don Rickles
Tough
Great
Having
" I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner. "
Don Rickles
Lukewarm
Hot
Always
" It's very sweet to have people say nice things about you, and I always accept that. "
Don Rickles
People
Accept
Say
" Why should I retire? I'm like a fighter. The bell rings, and you come out and fight. "
Don Rickles
Like
Why
You
" I did a picture 40 years ago with Carroll O'Connor and Telly Savalas, God rest their souls, and Clint Eastwood, called 'Kelly's Heroes,' which we filmed in Yugoslavia for six months. "
Don Rickles
Rest
Picture
Souls
" The inaugural of Ronald Reagan, with Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. And that was the greatest thing. Ronald Reagan and George Bush. That was - I still remember like it was yesterday. "
Don Rickles
Remember
Like
Greatest
" I like to think I'm like the guy who goes to the office Christmas party Friday night, insults some people, but still has his job Monday morning. "
Don Rickles
Morning
Job
Night
" Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper. "
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Down
Career
People
" I don't say I was the first, because, who knows, maybe there was a guy out in Minnesota doing it before me. "
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Doing
Say
Minnesota
" I write my own tweets. "
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I Write
Write
Tweets
" I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it. "
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Know
Problem
Midnight
" Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? "
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Wonder
Clothes
Funny
" You know how a fighter always comes into the dressing room way before a fight? That's me - I'm like a fighter. "
Don Rickles
Me
Fighter
Fight