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" If I don't get paid I'm going to take a whole lot of Marshall amps home with me on the plane. "

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" My incarceration was actually a positive thing from the beginning. I needed a gimmick to get my act going again, it gave me material. "

" Well I don't know, I might have lost my citizenship, I don't think you can lose your citizenship though. "

" I know, because I tried all sorts of ways of being in character, and the best way is to be totally straight. "

" No. Maceo played sax, didn't he, well they used to sit in. "

" Cheech and I used to call ourselves musicians; we never called ourselves comedians. We were musicians that were funny. "

" When you hit a groove, it's not you; it's the spirit world. The spirits whisper the ideas in your brain and prod you along. They're the ones that are really happy. "

" Everything that happens to me is very cosmic. "

" I know the musical world as well as I know the comedy world. "

" One night all the James Brown band was playing on stage and I look in the back and I could see Mick Jagger and Keith Richards trying to get in the club and they couldn't get in cause it was to crowded. "

" I used to joke for years that I was a black man. I adopted the black culture, the black race. I married a black woman, and I had black kids. I always considered myself a 'brother.' "

" There's a hierarchy in prison, and I was right at the top. "

" I never did smoke that much pot; never was a big pothead. "

" I was about sixteen when I discovered that music could get you laid, so I got into music boy, didn't matter what you looked like either, you could be a geeky looking guy but if you played music, whoa, you'd get the girls. "

" Well, I had an after hours club in Vancouver and when any of the Motown acts would call. "

" Once you're a felon you're a target. "

" The funny thing is, Dennis Miller got me back into comedy. "

" You know, I left the country when Reagan got in; I went to France. "

" But you can't exercise and be high. It's impossible. "

" I've always been into improvisation. "

" I'm a hybrid. "

" People try to put ownership on things: 'That's mine, that's my joke.' No such thing. Like if you tripped or stumbled and people go, 'Oh, that's Charlie Chaplin.' You know what I mean? You can't own a joke. You can be the guy that tells it the best, but you can't own a joke. Nowhere can you own a laugh. "

" You can't become a dictator through checks and balances. "

" The Shades never recorded anything, Little Daddy and the Bachelors recorded a couple of records, ya. "

" I'm just glad I can make a difference in someone's life. "

Make A Difference

" A lot of prophets have gone to jail. "

" Comedy is the ultimate truth. Jazz is hitting the notes that that no one else would hit, and comedy is saying words that no one else would say. "

" The thing is about Cheech & Chong, we've brought more families together than Dr. Phil. "

" I've met a lot of jazz musicians in my day, and they're all funny. "

" You look at Cheney, Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, and Bush - if you saw them on Halloween, they wouldn't need a costume. You'd give them a treat and compliment them on what great-looking demons they were. They are demons. There's no doubt about it. "

" Every time I get tested, I ask questions about it, and I watch how they do it. "