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" I know, because I tried all sorts of ways of being in character, and the best way is to be totally straight. "

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" Comedy is the ultimate truth. Jazz is hitting the notes that that no one else would hit, and comedy is saying words that no one else would say. "

" Every time I get tested, I ask questions about it, and I watch how they do it. "

" Any excuse to live in New York and do art. Has to be one of the most rewarding experiences in the world. "

" I never did smoke that much pot; never was a big pothead. "

" I love to meet my fans, and after every show I usually hang out for a few hours, talking to my fans, signing autographs, and selling T-shirts. "

" The thing is about Cheech & Chong, we've brought more families together than Dr. Phil. "

" They just wanted to show the entertainment world that we're vulnerable. "

" Well I don't know, I might have lost my citizenship, I don't think you can lose your citizenship though. "

" Well, I had an after hours club in Vancouver and when any of the Motown acts would call. "

" I've met a lot of jazz musicians in my day, and they're all funny. "

" One night all the James Brown band was playing on stage and I look in the back and I could see Mick Jagger and Keith Richards trying to get in the club and they couldn't get in cause it was to crowded. "

" I'm a hybrid. "

" If I don't get paid I'm going to take a whole lot of Marshall amps home with me on the plane. "

" People try to put ownership on things: 'That's mine, that's my joke.' No such thing. Like if you tripped or stumbled and people go, 'Oh, that's Charlie Chaplin.' You know what I mean? You can't own a joke. You can be the guy that tells it the best, but you can't own a joke. Nowhere can you own a laugh. "

" I've been a good boy, I've never really been convicted of serious crime. "

" The trouble when you're doing something illegal is that you know what you're doing. You're lying to your parents, you're lying to your kids. The only person you can't lie to is yourself. "

" What made me a comedian was that I wasn't really a songwriter, I was more of a poet. "

" We won a contest at the teen fair in Vancouver and the first prize was a recording contract and we recorded at a radio station on the stairway, and we did a record and it got put out. "

" But you can't exercise and be high. It's impossible. "

" Maybe once in a while, you know, after a hard day of shooting or something like that, I'd kick back. "

" There's a hierarchy in prison, and I was right at the top. "

" Everything that happens to me is very cosmic. "

" I used to joke for years that I was a black man. I adopted the black culture, the black race. I married a black woman, and I had black kids. I always considered myself a 'brother.' "

" You look at Cheney, Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, and Bush - if you saw them on Halloween, they wouldn't need a costume. You'd give them a treat and compliment them on what great-looking demons they were. They are demons. There's no doubt about it. "

" Cigarettes, I won't do cigarettes, nicotine will kill ya. "

" I've always been into improvisation. "

" When you hit a groove, it's not you; it's the spirit world. The spirits whisper the ideas in your brain and prod you along. They're the ones that are really happy. "

" I'm just glad I can make a difference in someone's life. "

Make A Difference

" No. Maceo played sax, didn't he, well they used to sit in. "

" To be in a situation where you have no rights whatsoever is something I wish everybody could experience. People's attitudes would change. It would be a better place. "