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" If your parents ignored you, or if they are just not emotionally available, or if they yell a lot, that is a type of trauma. "

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" Look at the scope of writers who sell stuff. I'm at the very top of the power curve in terms of sales. "

" I sold a million books because I have a lot of fans, not because people hate me. "

" You know, even big-time academics kind of have groupies. Anyone with any sort of fame. So, like, in your micro-world, or in your niche, you're kind of like a celebrity. "

" If you don't have a job right now, and you have a computer and a basic intelligence level, I guarantee you can get a great job, paying really well, in less than three months. How? Learn to program. "

" I have tons of fans in Canada. I've sold hundreds of thousands of books there. "

" I'm never going to be Tolstoy. "

" I was not developmentally disabled, but didn't mature at the same rate other kids did. "

" At some point in their life, everyone thinks they should go to law school. You may in fact think you want to go to law school now. "

" If you make comedy, if you try and make comedy where no one gets upset or offended, you're going to fail. "

" Even if I was a Republican, George Bush would have pushed me out of that party. "

" Calling one thing 'literature' and another 'fiction' is a way to create status where there is none. "

" There aren't a whole lot of people in culture that are unapologetically masculine. "

" The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me. "

" The haters always scream the loudest. "

" Books are so cheap and easy to get that people don't bother stealing them, which is the essential rule of piracy that the music business learned much too late. "

" I've never really had a media edifice supporting me. "

" I think that there's a lot of guys out there that want to read the equivalent of chick lit, but really there's not being much written for them. "

" Women always want the guy that other women want. "

" I don't even pursue girls anymore. I mean, I could obviously still pursue girls. It's not like I can't. But I don't have to pursue girls anymore. Girls come to me. "

" Whatever your favorite food is, if you eat it every day for a month, you're going to get sick of it. "

" The point of psychoanalysis is to really understand the roots of your behavior. Understand why you are doing the things you're doing - and connect your unconscious to your conscious. "

" If you like to argue just for the sake of being contentious, you shouldn't pick a job based on this unresolved emotional issue of yours, you should get counseling for it. "

" Think about it: If you don't have any actual, tangible skills, then how can you do anything? You may be laughing and nodding, but do you realize how few people, when asked the basic question, 'What can you do?' stumble on the answer and have nothing to say? Most people. "

" No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff. "

" I don't want to compare myself to Picasso, but he had four or five periods in his life. Any good artist grows and changes and matures. "

" I've come to learn that what really matters is the relationship, the quality of the relationship. "

" General reader feedback is usually pretty worthless. 99% of people give feedback that is irrelevant, stupid, or just flat out wrong. But that 1% of people who give good feedback are invaluable. "

" There is no number or level of success that would make me think, 'Wow, I didn't think that was possible.' "

" I'm a human. Every human is flawed. I might be flawed in different ways than some people, or worse ways than some people, or better ways than some people. "

" I'm not West Coast at all. I was born in Atlanta, but I grew up in Kentucky, outside of Lexington, in Winchester. "