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" I've come to learn that what really matters is the relationship, the quality of the relationship. "

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" If your parents ignored you, or if they are just not emotionally available, or if they yell a lot, that is a type of trauma. "

" I try to explain to people that the only way to be cool is to be who you truly are, and the only way to live life is to do the things that you want to do and be the person that you want to be no matter who that is or what that is or how you have to do it. That's the only way you can be genuinely happy. "

" When your buddy tells you a movie is good, that's worth 2,000 commercials. "

" Women always want the guy that other women want. "

" No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff. "

" Frankly, I'd rather make a little bit less money if it means living in a better world for books and publishing in the future. "

" There aren't a whole lot of people in culture that are unapologetically masculine. "

" I'm never going to be Tolstoy. "

" I have tons of fans in Canada. I've sold hundreds of thousands of books there. "

" Obviously, I love Japanese food. My favorite TV show of all time, without exception, is 'Iron Chef.' Not the stupid American version; 'Iron Chef' Japanese; the real one, the one that was on in Japan... my DVR for years was set to record almost every single 'Iron Chef' episode. "

" If you make comedy, if you try and make comedy where no one gets upset or offended, you're going to fail. "

" Even if I was a Republican, George Bush would have pushed me out of that party. "

" I don't even pursue girls anymore. I mean, I could obviously still pursue girls. It's not like I can't. But I don't have to pursue girls anymore. Girls come to me. "

" Helping reproductive services doesn't just help women in isolation. It helps men just as much. "

" Usually, whatever people's particular political leaning is, they either think I'm just like them or the opposite. "

" I don't want to compare myself to Picasso, but he had four or five periods in his life. Any good artist grows and changes and matures. "

" It is hard for me to be vulnerable, because I never learned how to do that. I was never vulnerable in a safe way. "

" You know, even big-time academics kind of have groupies. Anyone with any sort of fame. So, like, in your micro-world, or in your niche, you're kind of like a celebrity. "

" Corporate tweets are like one robot talking to another. "

" There is always more demand for great content then there will be great content to satisfy it. "

" Calling one thing 'literature' and another 'fiction' is a way to create status where there is none. "

" I'm a human. Every human is flawed. I might be flawed in different ways than some people, or worse ways than some people, or better ways than some people. "

" If you don't have a job right now, and you have a computer and a basic intelligence level, I guarantee you can get a great job, paying really well, in less than three months. How? Learn to program. "

" The point of psychoanalysis is to really understand the roots of your behavior. Understand why you are doing the things you're doing - and connect your unconscious to your conscious. "

" I started my blog in 2002. That was pre-MySpace, pre-Facebook. That was back before newspapers realized they were going out of business. That was back when no one gave any credence to Internet writers. "

" I think 20th century media were about tricking people - and the beauty of the Internet is you can't lie anymore. "

" Most of my success, I feel, comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer. "

" I was not developmentally disabled, but didn't mature at the same rate other kids did. "

" Think about it: If you don't have any actual, tangible skills, then how can you do anything? You may be laughing and nodding, but do you realize how few people, when asked the basic question, 'What can you do?' stumble on the answer and have nothing to say? Most people. "

" The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me. "