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" I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs. "

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" As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living. "

" We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out. "

" When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage. "

" Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin! "

" Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises. "

" I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned. "

" Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had. "

" We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. "

" My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist! "

" My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever. "

" And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie. "

" My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything. "

" I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people. "

" I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh as one, but he didn't really sing a lot! "

" The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge. "

" To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap. "

" There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting. "

" Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung? "

" I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work. "

" Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod? "

" As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers. "

" Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy. "

" The American audiences are more vocal and enthusiastic. British audiences tend to sit back a little more. "

" This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3. "

" There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky. "

" I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine. "

" Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. "

" I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money. "

" The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs. "

" Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine! "