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" Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung? "

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" Give me liberty or a bran muffin! "

" The American audiences are more vocal and enthusiastic. British audiences tend to sit back a little more. "

" This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3. "

" I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh as one, but he didn't really sing a lot! "

" Comedy is such a personal thing. Everybody can cry at the same thing, but it's a lot harder to get everyone to laugh at the same thing. "

" When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage. "

" I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work. "

" Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy. "

" Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had. "

" To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap. "

" My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever. "

" My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist! "

" I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs. "

" We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. "

" I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine. "

" I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money. "

" I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people. "

" The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs. "

" We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out. "

" As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living. "

" Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod? "

" Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin! "

" My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything. "

" And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie. "

" There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting. "

" We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second. "

" The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge. "

" I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned. "

" Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. "

" There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky. "