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" And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie. "

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" We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. "

" I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people. "

" The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge. "

" As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living. "

" You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school. "

" Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung? "

" We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second. "

" Comedy is such a personal thing. Everybody can cry at the same thing, but it's a lot harder to get everyone to laugh at the same thing. "

" There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky. "

" The American audiences are more vocal and enthusiastic. British audiences tend to sit back a little more. "

" Give me liberty or a bran muffin! "

" We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out. "

" My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything. "

" There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting. "

" I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work. "

" I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh as one, but he didn't really sing a lot! "

" To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap. "

" Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises. "

" This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3. "

" Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy. "

" I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned. "

" I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs. "

" Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod? "

" Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. "

" I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine. "

" As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers. "

" Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had. "

" My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist! "

" My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever. "

" The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs. "