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" Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine! "

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" I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh as one, but he didn't really sing a lot! "

" We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. "

" Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. "

" I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work. "

" Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises. "

" I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs. "

" We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out. "

" Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had. "

" I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people. "

" My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything. "

" As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers. "

" You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school. "

" The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge. "

" Give me liberty or a bran muffin! "

" I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned. "

" We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second. "

" Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung? "

" And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie. "

" My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist! "

" My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever. "

" Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin! "

" To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap. "

" Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod? "

" As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living. "

" There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky. "

" I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money. "

" The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs. "

" There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting. "

" When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage. "

" Comedy is such a personal thing. Everybody can cry at the same thing, but it's a lot harder to get everyone to laugh at the same thing. "