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" My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist! "

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" Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin! "

" I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned. "

" I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work. "

" My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever. "

" Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had. "

" I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs. "

" My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything. "

" Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy. "

" To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap. "

" Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. "

" We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. "

" I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people. "

" We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second. "

" As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers. "

" Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine! "

" The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs. "

" There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky. "

" Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod? "

" Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises. "

" There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting. "

" Give me liberty or a bran muffin! "

" As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living. "

" This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3. "

" The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge. "

" We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out. "

" Comedy is such a personal thing. Everybody can cry at the same thing, but it's a lot harder to get everyone to laugh at the same thing. "

" I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money. "

" When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage. "

" And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie. "

" You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school. "