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" Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had. "

Colin Mochrie

Real Life

Long

Mad

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" Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. "

" Give me liberty or a bran muffin! "

Colin Mochrie

Muffin

Liberty

" As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers. "

Colin Mochrie

Loved

Television

" The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge. "

Colin Mochrie

Never

Most

" I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned. "

" The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs. "

" Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung? "

" My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything. "

" I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs. "

" I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine. "

" When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage. "

" You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school. "

" There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky. "

" This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3. "

" As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living. "

" We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out. "

" My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever. "

" Comedy is such a personal thing. Everybody can cry at the same thing, but it's a lot harder to get everyone to laugh at the same thing. "

" My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist! "

" I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work. "

" Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises. "

" Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine! "

" There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting. "

" And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie. "

" I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people. "

" We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second. "

" Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod? "

" Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin! "

" We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. "