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" Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum... but come on down. We're going crazy. "

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" I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine. "

" As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers. "

" My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist! "

" Give me liberty or a bran muffin! "

" We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. "

" I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh as one, but he didn't really sing a lot! "

" Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod? "

" And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie. "

" We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second. "

" As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living. "

" I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned. "

" I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money. "

" There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky. "

" My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever. "

" Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung? "

" Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises. "

" Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine! "

" Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. "

" My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything. "

" To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap. "

" There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting. "

" You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school. "

" Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin! "

" The American audiences are more vocal and enthusiastic. British audiences tend to sit back a little more. "

" We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out. "

" I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work. "

" The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge. "

" I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people. "

" When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage. "

" This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3. "