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" To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap. "

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" Give me liberty or a bran muffin! "

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" Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. "

" Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises. "

" I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people. "

" As a kid I watched television 24 hours a day and loved every minute of it. The two shows that always make me laugh and are therefore my favourites are The Dick Van Dyke Show and Fawlty Towers. "

" Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung? "

" The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs. "

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" My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist! "

" And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie. "

" Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had. "

" As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living. "

" There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky. "

" I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work. "

" My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything. "

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" Comedy is such a personal thing. Everybody can cry at the same thing, but it's a lot harder to get everyone to laugh at the same thing. "

" When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage. "

" You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school. "

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" I have many favorite artists... Van Gogh as one, but he didn't really sing a lot! "