Get QuoteDark Inspirational Quotes App

" I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. "

Related Quotes:

" I have no complaints about losing money I put in high-risk investments. I did some of that when I had real money; my informed choice, my measured gamble. "

" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "

" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "

" We have wild animals in zoos, yet people rarely meet their 'food' face to face. "

" I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards. "

" I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. "

" While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. "

" Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full. "

" I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. "

" Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying. "

" When the sun comes up, I have morals again. "

" A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life. "

" Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.' "

" Wouldn't it be great to see a line in all movie credits that truthfully says, 'Nobody was harmed in the making of this film, and at the cast party, all animals got a belly belly belly rub.' "

" I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. "

" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "

" Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded. "

" I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.' "

" There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb. "

" My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning. "

" I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. "

" The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born. "

" My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. "

" As a standup comedian, I've worked almost every New Year's Eve of my adult life. It's the best-paying night of the year. "

" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

" I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. "

" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "

" For me, comedy is a day-to-day report on the human condition. It's what's happening right now. I get maybe 20 minutes of my act straight from the newspaper. "

" Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected. "

" I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. "