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" Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress. "

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" Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two. "

" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "

" The message of great art is to disturb. "

" Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating. "

" Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected. "

" I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women. "

" I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.' "

" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "

" Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full. "

" You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. "

" I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city. "

" I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. "

" I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. "

" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "

" To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. "

" When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. "

" I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. "

" I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? "

" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "

" I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope. "

" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "

" You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. "

" I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years. "

" I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards. "

" I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. "

" I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. "

" I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. "

" Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying. "

" It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working. "

" I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. "