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" Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. "
Spike Milligan
Worn
Working
Perfect
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" We come across thirty or so hurried graves with makeshift wooden markers. 'Private Edwards, E.', a number, and that was all. Fourteen days ago he was alive, thinking feeling, hoping... If war was a game of cards, I'd say someone was cheating. "
Spike Milligan
Thinking
War
Cards
" I don't think of depression as contagious. Other depressed people challenge the idea - which can be very persistent and irritating - that there is something odd about you: that you are unique with regard to this wretched state. "
Spike Milligan
Think
Depression
Challenge
" It's all in the mind, you know. "
Spike Milligan
Mind
Know
You
" I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. "
Spike Milligan
Mine
Why
Thought
" The lunacy continues and has every chance of becoming a way of life unless we stop it soon. Men are getting so used to wars that the psychiatric wing of the RAMC are planning how to break the news to the men when the war is over. "
Spike Milligan
Life
Chance
Planning
" I'm a hero with coward's legs. "
Spike Milligan
Legs
Hero
Coward
" Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. "
Spike Milligan
Should
Occasion
Used
" My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a horse and sang in the Governor-General's band, so that made her important as well. "
Spike Milligan
Warrior
Father
Band
" And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. "
Spike Milligan
God
Electricity
Light
" We reach a secondary road and - here comes the bonus - we pass the Temple of Neptune and Cerene, at Paestum, both looking beautiful in the sunlight. Strung from the Doric columns are lines of soldiers' washing. At last they had been put to practical use. If only the ancient Greeks had known. "
Spike Milligan
Road
Temple
Looking
" Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy. "
Spike Milligan
Better
Money
Got
" All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. "
Spike Milligan
Happy
Ask
Me
" You couldn't enclose people in institutions or hospitals or almshouses in the way the Victorians managed to do. India was too big. Seeing the suffering people was terrible, but I think I was more distraught at the needless cruelty to so many animals. "
Spike Milligan
Think
People
Animals
" My parents always threw everything out, gave everything away. I'm surprised they never threw me away. That's why I've always kept my children's things. My parents had no feelings for belongings. "
Spike Milligan
Feelings
Children
Parents
" The experience of being in the Army changed my whole life; I never believed that an organization such as ours could ever go to war, leave alone win it. It was, as Yeats remarked of the Easter Rising, 'A terrible beauty.' "
Spike Milligan
War
Alone
Beauty
" When I get depressed, I try to get something for the terrible sadness that comes over me and create something in terms of poetry. "
Spike Milligan
Over
Try
Sadness
" The night before Tilbury, the Cordon Bleu gourmet dinner turned out Cordon Brown. Six out of ten to the chef for trying and ten out of ten to us for eating it. "
Spike Milligan
Trying
Us
Dinner
" Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, 'I remember, I remember the house where I was born.' I don't even know what mine looked like! "
Spike Milligan
Insecurity
Change
Remember
" I can't stand being late. I try to be professional. I try not to let people down. But people let me down. That's why I don't rely on anyone to call me. That's why I have clocks as well as people. I have to be able to call myself; it's the only way to be sure. "
Spike Milligan
Myself
People
Professional
" I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. "
Spike Milligan
Old
Keep
Health
" Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too. "
Spike Milligan
Stop
Think
Thankful
" I am afraid that, like Timon of Athens, I just cannot let go of my friendships. "
Spike Milligan
Like
Let Go
I Am
" May 8th 1943. Deluge. The rain not only fell mainly on the plain in Spain; it also fell mainly on the back of the bloody neck, dripping down the spine into the socks where it came out of the lace-holes in the boots. "
Spike Milligan
Down
Spain
Socks
" One important thing I recall about India was that it was quiet. It was never noisy in the way that life was noisy in London. "
Spike Milligan
Way
Important
India
" How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. "
Spike Milligan
Long
Army
Five
" I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens. "
Spike Milligan
Dying
Afraid
Want
" I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three stars in a row, and I remember thinking, 'Well, I'll have those three stars all my life, and wherever I am, they will be. They are my stars, and they belong to me.' "
Spike Milligan
Stars
Me
Life
" I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals. "
Spike Milligan
Look
Race
Treat
" Driver Shepherd and I had been detailed to drive Lt. Budden in the Wireless Truck. We had been standing by vehicles for an hour, and nothing had happened, but it happened frequently. "
Spike Milligan
Standing
Driver
Drive
" Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. "
Spike Milligan
More
You
Money