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" I was always drawn to more the social-expression-of-culture types. "

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" Don't be afraid of missing opportunities. Behind every failure is an opportunity somebody wishes they had missed. "

" If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed. "

" There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. "

" Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it. "

" When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime - and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store. "

" No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up. "

" Remember we're all in this alone. "

" The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. "

" You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all. "

" Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing. "

" I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. "

" I think my politics are just inclined to be empathetic and humanistic. I grew up with so many different kinds of people with different politics, different religion, no religion, no politics, education, no education, and I was infatuated with all of them. "

" Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. "

" We're all in this alone. "

" I mean yes to act out something or take chances in the performance is one thing. But in terms of a camera, whatever's captured is captured so that's a little more daunting. "

" I especially love 'Web Therapy' and I did 'Eastbound and Down' too. I had a lot of fun doing that. "

" We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company. "

" I guess if people couldn't profit from war I don't think there would be war. "

" If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? "

" Many times I sit back and say, 'I can't believe that this is my life!' Other times, I feel self-satisfied. I mean, there's a lot to be proud and thankful for but, nonetheless, it's just a life! "

" I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. "

" Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? "

" It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. "

" I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. "

" Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. "

" What I appreciate is acknowledging to the audience that I think they have brains. "

" I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody. "

" If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less. "

" Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use. "

" Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. "