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" You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school. "
Colin Mochrie
You
Know
High School
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" Give me liberty or a bran muffin! "
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" The American audiences are more vocal and enthusiastic. British audiences tend to sit back a little more. "
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" I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine. "
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" I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people. "
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" And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie. "
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" I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money. "
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" Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin! "
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" The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge. "
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" My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything. "
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" Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises. "
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Today
Story
" My most important professional accomplishment to date is the ability to keep working with absolutely no skills whatsoever. "
Colin Mochrie
Professional
Accomplishment
Important
" To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap. "
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Work
Discipline
Why
" We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. "
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" I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work. "
Colin Mochrie
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Joker
Work
" There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting. "
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Change
Love
People
" The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs. "
Colin Mochrie
Stones
Who
Beatles
" We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out. "
Colin Mochrie
Just
Dinosaur
Within
" Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. "
Colin Mochrie
Your
Call
Mother
" Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had. "
Colin Mochrie
Real Life
Long
Mad
" As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living. "
Colin Mochrie
Improvisation
Trying
Living
" My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist! "
Colin Mochrie
Explosives
God
Waist
" Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung? "
Colin Mochrie
Hey
Name
Sting
" This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3. "
Colin Mochrie
Cleveland
Hills
Just
" There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky. "
Colin Mochrie
Living
Thought
Skill
" Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod? "
Colin Mochrie
Dying
Well
Rivers
" When I'm on stage, it's a little world I've created where I'm sort of the thing, so I have total control over everything that happens. When we're improvising, I'm with someone I totally trust. I know things are going to work out. I don't have those guarantees in life. There are no consequences on stage. "
Colin Mochrie
Control
Life
Trust
" Comedy is such a personal thing. Everybody can cry at the same thing, but it's a lot harder to get everyone to laugh at the same thing. "
Colin Mochrie
Everyone
Comedy
Cry
" I am such a pessimist that every project has surpassed what I envisioned. "
Colin Mochrie
Every
Project
Pessimist
" We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second. "
Colin Mochrie
Elephant
Nature
Documentary
" I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs. "
Colin Mochrie
Handsome
Buts
Ifs