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" Give me liberty or a bran muffin! "

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" You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school. "

" I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs. "

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" To be a dramatic writer takes hard work, talent, and discipline. And that's why I just make up crap. "

" There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky. "

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" Comedy is such a personal thing. Everybody can cry at the same thing, but it's a lot harder to get everyone to laugh at the same thing. "

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" As I get older, I'm trying to accept improvisation into my day-to-day living. "

" We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second. "

" Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung? "

" I think the challenge is going out in front of a paying audience with absolutely nothing and trying to entertain them for two hours. Thankfully, I only think about that right before we go on, and then once we're out there, everything's fine. "

" We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. "

" The people who influenced me most were the people who said I would never make it. They gave me a thirst for revenge. "

" Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had. "

" My agent, Jeff Andrews, suggested I write a book. For some reason. he doesn't like it when I'm not doing anything. "

" We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out. "

" Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. "

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" There are so many things I'd like to change in the industry. Everything from the reliance of style over substance to their reluctance to hire me for big budget blockbusters, but the thing I would love most would be if they understood people don't have to be Hollywood beautiful to be sexy or interesting. "

" Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod? "

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" I'm quite shy. Really. I'm trying to expand myself as a person more, get involved with people. "