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" I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke. "

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" My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. "

" I can't stand being late. I try to be professional. I try not to let people down. But people let me down. That's why I don't rely on anyone to call me. That's why I have clocks as well as people. I have to be able to call myself; it's the only way to be sure. "

" May 8th 1943. Deluge. The rain not only fell mainly on the plain in Spain; it also fell mainly on the back of the bloody neck, dripping down the spine into the socks where it came out of the lace-holes in the boots. "

" You couldn't enclose people in institutions or hospitals or almshouses in the way the Victorians managed to do. India was too big. Seeing the suffering people was terrible, but I think I was more distraught at the needless cruelty to so many animals. "

" Unbeknown to me, my manager, under my very nose (in a crouching position) has all these years been secretly compiling a book from my correspondence. I often wondered what she was doing in my office. She never did a stroke of work for me. All the time, I have been working for her. "

" I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it. "

" I had stopped going to church the moment I joined the Regiment. No more could my mother nag me into God's presence. "

" Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. "

" The experience of being in the Army changed my whole life; I never believed that an organization such as ours could ever go to war, leave alone win it. It was, as Yeats remarked of the Easter Rising, 'A terrible beauty.' "

" Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy. "

" I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. "

" I don't think of depression as contagious. Other depressed people challenge the idea - which can be very persistent and irritating - that there is something odd about you: that you are unique with regard to this wretched state. "

" A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. "

" I'm a hero with coward's legs. "

" Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? "

" Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. "

" How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. "

" It's all in the mind, you know. "

" I have resigned from the human race. Look at the way we treat animals. "

" I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. "

" Is the modern social pattern of unending change and movement the cause of two modern diseases, insecurity and dissatisfaction? How lucky Thomas Hood was to be able to write, 'I remember, I remember the house where I was born.' I don't even know what mine looked like! "

" I am afraid that, like Timon of Athens, I just cannot let go of my friendships. "

" The night before Tilbury, the Cordon Bleu gourmet dinner turned out Cordon Brown. Six out of ten to the chef for trying and ten out of ten to us for eating it. "

" And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. "

" I remember lying out in my bed and looking at the vast, quiet sky. Right up above my head, there were three stars in a row, and I remember thinking, 'Well, I'll have those three stars all my life, and wherever I am, they will be. They are my stars, and they belong to me.' "

" All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. "

" It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. "

" My father was a soldier, which meant that he was a warrior, which meant that he was important. My mother rode a horse and sang in the Governor-General's band, so that made her important as well. "

" Thankfully, we didn't stop at Malta. I think Malta was thankful, too. "

" My father being a soldier, every time I saw soldiers marching - 'Well,' I thought, 'my father's that,' and these soldiers were always looking magnificent. And I thought they were powerful; they were all-powerful. I knew that they were an elite in India. "