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" Never wear a red t-shirt to Target. I enjoy helping people, but not every two minutes. "

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" When I was very young, I didn't really write my own material. I just memorized other peoples' jokes. Established comics, like Stanley Myron Handelman and people like that. And then, for every comic, you develop your own style after a while. "

" Definitely not a TV junkie. I only record shows I want to see but usually never get around to watching them. "

" I used to go to the Hollywood YMCA when I first came here, and I was standing in front of the mirror doing curls, and I noticed this guy next to me also doing curls. He was grimacing a lot, and I noticed he had an underbite. I looked more closely and realized it was Bruce Springsteen. "

" As a comedian, you're kind of like a blues musician; you have to live a little bit. "

" When you discover that you are going to have a child, it stirs up memories of your own childhood. "

" It was football I enjoyed most. When I moved to L.A. to become a stand-up comedian, I thought it might be a good comedy hook to also be the punter for USFL club The L.A. Express, so I started practicing for the tryouts. Luckily, my stand-up took off, and I didn't need to do it. "

" Curb Your Enthusiasm, is not so much about Hollywood. It's more about Larry's weaknesses. "

" You really have to be ambitious and have that drive to really become well known and successful as a standup. "

" I grew up watching stand-ups and thought it was so entertaining and unique - you didn't see that as a job description anywhere. "

" I do have a place in my heart for animal shelters because the job they have is impossible - so many animals that need to euthanized because don't have homes for them. "

" A special validates you as a stand-up by documenting your material. "

" My adrenaline is definitely going, but it's mostly my real, laid-back persona carrying over on stage. When I first started, I was nervous, I'd be really high energy, and I'd be sweating. Now it's just my job. It's like a machinist who goes to work every day and uses the same drill bits. He's not worried about taking his finger off. "

" What happened was, I always wanted to be a singer/songwriter kind of guy like a James Taylor or Crosby, Stills and Nash type of thing; I went to a lot of coffee houses and used to watch all those guys, but I never had the nerve to get up and do it because singing seems so personal and intimate to me. It was too revealing. "

" A novel is too much of a commitment. I tend to peruse Twitter - I check to see if I had any mentions and read the latest messages. "

" I lived in Germany from when I was 6 until I was 10, so, of course, I played soccer. When I came back to the States, nobody played soccer, and none of the schools taught German, so I couldn't continue to excel in those categories. "

" I am very romantic. In fact, I just renewed my vows... although it was with another woman. "

" I just loved stand-up comics as a kid. I'd watch them on 'The Tonight Show,' and I thought what a great craft it was to come out on stage with no instrument or anything and be able to entertain people. "

" I don't feel the pressure and stress of having to be a comic in a club every night. I accomplished a lot of things; I did lot of things, and I don't feel like I'm missing out when I am home with my son. "

" I look back at 'Saturday Night Live' and I think, some people didn't like me doing 'Weekend Update.' Who cares? A lot of people did. When you're reaching that many people, you're not going to have everybody like you. "

" I like YouTube; it's really entertaining. A lot of it is crappy stuff, but there are a couple diamonds in the rough there. "

" Every homeless puppy and kitten was born to parents who weren't spayed or neutered. I'm proud to support PETA's work to prevent animal homelessness. "

" I really enjoyed working on the 2009 film, 'Aliens in the Attic,' because it was shot in New Zealand and I got to visit there for the first time. "

" Basically, I'm a people pleaser who has a knack for disappointing. "

" I'm probably more of a stand-up comedian than an actor. "

" I have a wandering eye and a lazy eye so they cancel each other out. It's a push. "

" You see things through a different lens when you have a child. "

" The thing is when I started doing standup, you had to have a clean act because that's how you got on television. There weren't all these cable shows. Also, I didn't want to have that kind of act in case my family came to see me or my kid one day. "

" I think I definitely would have ended up in some kind of show business. I was very interested in music when I was younger. This was back when Crosby, Stills and Nash were around. "

" When I would see my friends with their kids, I was envious that you can use children to get out of just about anything. If you don't feel like going to a dinner party, you could say, 'My kid's sick. I can't make it.' Who's gonna argue with you? "

" Standup really is a young man's game, a single young man's game. Even when I was younger, when I wasn't single, it was hard to be on the road because you go through relationships because your girlfriend kinda got tired of you being gone. "