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" I lived in Germany from when I was 6 until I was 10, so, of course, I played soccer. When I came back to the States, nobody played soccer, and none of the schools taught German, so I couldn't continue to excel in those categories. "

Kevin Nealon

Excel

Back

Lived

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" I play a lot of sports. I'm not real good at any of them. I'm above adequate. "

" I recently purchased an iPad 2 because I didn't want to wait for the iPad 3 and iPad 4. "

" To this day, I haven't felt like I've made it. I'm waiting for them to pull the rug out from under me. I kind of feel like George Plimpton; I'm just experiencing this whole business with the really talented people. "

" With music, you're laying it all out there. They're judging you right away, and you can lose them quick. With the comedy, you've always got another joke to redeem yourself. Or, even if you've only got one joke, at least the punch line is at the end. Then they have to at least pay attention until the end. "

" Any day that is designated to shower the person you love with love is my favorite holiday. "

" When you discover that you are going to have a child, it stirs up memories of your own childhood. "

Kevin Nealon

Memories

You

" When I was very young, I didn't really write my own material. I just memorized other peoples' jokes. Established comics, like Stanley Myron Handelman and people like that. And then, for every comic, you develop your own style after a while. "

" Basically, I'm a people pleaser who has a knack for disappointing. "

" I grew up watching stand-ups and thought it was so entertaining and unique - you didn't see that as a job description anywhere. "

" If people can't deal with their problems, they numb themselves a little bit. "

" My heart started running away, like a pack of horses. Then it slowed down and became irregular. "

Kevin Nealon

Heart

Started

" I was 5-foot-8 when I graduated high school, but then I shot up to 6-foot-4 and got more into playing basketball. "

Kevin Nealon

School

Basketball

" Print is definitely more nutritious. When I leave a website, I'm hungry again an hour later - especially the Chinese websites. "

Kevin Nealon

Hungry

Website

" You really have to be ambitious and have that drive to really become well known and successful as a standup. "

" Sometimes people come to my standup show, and they think they're going to see Doug Wilson. Or they see me on the street, and they call me Doug Wilson. "

Kevin Nealon

Street

People

" I'm a member of the Studio City Driving Range. They have a nice little par-3 AstroTurf course and driving range. You know, I don't belong to a course because I don't golf that much, so it's not worth it for me to join a club. "

" People recognize me once in a while and appreciate the work. It gets a little embarrassing, but it's good. If you work as an accountant, you don't have people coming up to you in the streets saying, 'Hey, great job on tax statements!' "

" I'm probably more of a stand-up comedian than an actor. "

" I am whelmed, and not overly whelmed, just whelmed about a lot of facets in life - just how fragile life is and the different challenges you have in life, phobias about things. "

" When I began doing stand-up, it took me a long time to get an hour's worth of material together. "

" The funny thing about commercials to me is that many of them now don't even mention the product until the very end. You don't really know what the commercial is all about. They're kind of like little movies, like shorts, and that's why I think they're so entertaining. "

" My adrenaline is definitely going, but it's mostly my real, laid-back persona carrying over on stage. When I first started, I was nervous, I'd be really high energy, and I'd be sweating. Now it's just my job. It's like a machinist who goes to work every day and uses the same drill bits. He's not worried about taking his finger off. "

" If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said. "

" I learned how to draw from being bored in school. I would doodle on the margins of my paper. "

" You don't want to throw out a good idea and have nobody get excited about it. It takes the wind out of your sails. "

" I have a wandering eye and a lazy eye so they cancel each other out. It's a push. "

" Every homeless puppy and kitten was born to parents who weren't spayed or neutered. I'm proud to support PETA's work to prevent animal homelessness. "

" Definitely not a TV junkie. I only record shows I want to see but usually never get around to watching them. "

" I feel guilty: when I'm not golfing, I feel like I should be golfing. And when I'm golfing, I feel like I should be home working or spending time with the family. So it's a real conundrum. "

" I really enjoyed working on the 2009 film, 'Aliens in the Attic,' because it was shot in New Zealand and I got to visit there for the first time. "