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" When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something. "

Lisa Lampanelli

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" I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too. "

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" The more conservative you dress, the more you can get away with. "

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" I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now. "

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" By Hollywood standards I'm still fat: until you are zero, you are big. I do get cold a lot now. I used to have a lot of layers - now I got to get a fur coat. "

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" You have to really be on your own side. "

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" I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.' "

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" I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever. "

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" I looked around and couldn't believe no one has written a show about women and eating. It's the biggest issue women have. "

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" The only reason I was allowed to have a career for a quarter century as an insult comic is because it's all in jest and all for fun. "

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" I kind of knew inside that I wanted to try comedy, but it was a mystery. How do you start? So when I hit 30 and I had done everything I wanted to do in journalism, so I went to a comedy class. I figured I'd learn how to do five minutes and see how it feels. "

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" In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring 'Huckleberry Finn.' Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him. "

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" When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC. "

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" I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.' "

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" I'm not saying the N word anymore. "

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" The thing is, in the dating profiles it says 'spiritual,' but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me. "

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" I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator. "

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" I lost over 100 pounds, so I'm even angrier than ever. I don't stuff my feelings anymore with food. Skinny girls are funny. "

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" I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way. "

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" I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.' "

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" Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better. "

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" Comedy is like music - there are genres and styles for every taste. Katy Perry is there for people who like frothy pop music. Metallica is there for people who like head-banging metal. And Susan Boyle is there for... well, I don't who the hell is listening to that freak of nature, but that's not the point. In art, there's something for everybody. "

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" I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more. "

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" The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be. "

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" When doing comedy, I do what makes me laugh. The first person I learned from said I should talk about things I am passionate about - that I love or hate - because the audience likes to see passion. The stuff I rant and rave about stems from a place that really pisses me off. "

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" I always order soup, dessert, and a sandwich or whatever main course. But then the idea is you have to eat such a small portion of it and bring the rest home. "

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" I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain. "

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" My thing has always been, I've never been very open and vulnerable with people, so the minute I got this dog, everything changed. It just opened me up and made me more loving... It's all because of him... He's made me a better person... I can tell people what I feel now. I can cry in front of people sometimes. "

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" That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French. "

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" 'Baywatch' sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-tits with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge. "

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" When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody. "

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