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" Our regulatory bodies strive to create honest dealings, fair trades, and a situation in which no one has an advantage over anyone else. But human beings aren't honest. And all trades are made because one person thinks he's getting the better of the other, and the other person thinks the same. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Create

Better

Human

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" People will tell you anything but what they do is always the truth. "

" Americans are good at pursuing happiness. And the Americans who pursue happiness most diligently show that we're also good at running it down and killing it. "

" Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. "

" Obama, in pursuit of power, has been as greedy and irresponsible as any Wall Street tycoon in pursuit of money. "

" The great apologist has to have lived large and wild. If he's going to kiss the world's boo-boos and make up, he'd better plant some bruises first. A master apologizer has to be a Lord Byron, a Rick in Casablanca, a Lee Atwater, anyway. "

" The U.S. tax code was written by A students. Every April 15, we have to pay somebody who got an A in accounting to keep ourselves from being sent to jail. "

" Health care's not about insurance! Health care's about getting treatment. "

" In midlife, we're as dumb as we get. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Get

Dumb

" Nobody is making Americans buy Chinese goods. "

" Catchphrases flourish in contemporary American English. "

" I knew Hunter Thompson since the '70s, and I loved him, but he would wear me out as I got older. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Got

Older

" Disney's Tomorrowland is deeply, thoroughly, almost furiously unimaginative. "

" Globalization is simply opening the free marketplace to encompass the entire world. "

" Democrats hate Democrats most of all. "

" Head lice have their own animal-rights group, or may as well. The National Pediculosis Association doesn't exactly advocate letting lice live with dignity, but it does oppose pediculicidal treatments. "

" My generation of Americans was the first to really care about racism and sexism, not to mention the I Ching, plus, of course, the Earth. "

" The two most frightening words in Washington are 'bipartisan consensus.' Bipartisan consensus is when my doctor and my lawyer agree with my wife that I need help. "

" Barack Obama is more irritating than the other nuisances on the Left. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Irritating

Left

" Detroit's industrial ruins are picturesque, like crumbling Rome in an 18th-century etching. "

P. J. O'Rourke

Industrial

Ruins

" By the end of the 1950s, American cars were so reliable that their reliability went without saying even in car ads. Thousands of them bear testimony to this today, still running on the roads of Cuba though fueled with nationalized Venezuelan gasoline and maintained with spit and haywire. "

" A penny will not buy a penny postcard or a penny whistle or a single piece of penny candy. It will not even, if you're managing the U.S. Mint, buy a penny. "

" America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased. "

" Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce. "

" Everybody in America who didn't come over the Bering Strait ice bridge stole his land from somebody else. "

" The anti-individualist enemies that Ayn Rand battled are still the enemy, but they've shifted their line of attack. Political collectivists are no longer much interested in taking things away from the wealthy and creative. "

" The most futuristic aspect of the House of the Future was that it was made almost entirely of plastic. "

" The divorce rate in 1946 was higher than it ever had been and as high as it ever would be until the '70s. The reason was that prior relationships had not endured the strain of war. "

" Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. "

" There are plenty of problems in the world, and doubtless climate change - or whatever the currently voguish phrase for it all is - certainly is one of them. But it's low on my list. "

" A humorist doesn't really do that much note-taking. "