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" I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naive hope. "

Elayne Boosler

Hope

Love

Moving

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" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "

" I pray if I ever find out I have only about three minutes to live it's during a basketball game, because then I'll have, what, 10, 12 years to live? "

" I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me. "

" I've thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent. "

" Why isn't the movie industry forced to open its shooting locations to an organization that is there to advocate for animal actors? The industry isn't allowed to pick and choose which movies using young children it will or won't allow to be monitored. The vulnerable should be protected. "

" My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty. "

" When I was growing up in comedy, there were maybe 10 comics in the whole country. Everyone had a day job. You worked free for years in little clubs, then you got your big break and became a star. "

" When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. "

" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

" I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years. "

" When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. "

" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "

" I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. "

" I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards. "

" Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it, the audience votes, and you go home. There's nothing more satisfying. "

Elayne Boosler

Audience

You

" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "

" I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. "

" While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips. "

" You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot. "

" When the sun comes up, I have morals again. "

Elayne Boosler

Again

Morals

" I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' "

" I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. "

" My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. "

" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "

" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "

" It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working. "

Elayne Boosler

Working

Never

" The message of great art is to disturb. "

" I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women. "

" I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. "

" I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club. "