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" I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years. "

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" I guess in general, people tend to not eat the cute animals. "

" Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating. "

" I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other. "

" I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession. "

" I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it is, will eventually be recognized. I am doubly thankful that also goes for idiots. "

" You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport. "

" Here is what is needed for Occupy Wall Street to become a force for change: a clear, and clearly expressed, objective. Or two. "

" Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone. "

" Incredibly, almost every hotel I ever played in Vegas was blown up shortly afterward: The Dunes, The Sands, The Landmark, The Aladdin, The Frontier, The Hacienda, The Stardust - all were imploded. "

" When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying. "

" I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food. "

" A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life. "

" To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy. "

" I personally cannot tell you how many times we rescuers put our names on animals to come to us as soon as they are eligible for release, only to find they have been senselessly killed by overzealous pound workers. "

" It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working. "

" Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress. "

" San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people. "

" My breakup with AT&T is final, and I'm done with Skype as the rebound guy. "

" I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about. "

" I always had a running commentary in my head that was extremely funny and off-center, but I never said it to anyone. "

" I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards. "

" I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone. "

" I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body. "

" I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners. "

" The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born. "

" Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix? "

" I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.' "

" I've never been able to write for stand-up. "

" I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.' "

" My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions. "