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" Publishing companies are like schoolyard bullies that can't even fight well. "

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" Obviously, I love Japanese food. My favorite TV show of all time, without exception, is 'Iron Chef.' Not the stupid American version; 'Iron Chef' Japanese; the real one, the one that was on in Japan... my DVR for years was set to record almost every single 'Iron Chef' episode. "

" Anything that reflects the human condition back on humans in the entertainment medium is art. "

" If your parents ignored you, or if they are just not emotionally available, or if they yell a lot, that is a type of trauma. "

" The Big Five publishing companies are dinosaurs trying to survive in a post-meteor world. They won't. "

" The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me. "

" I always laugh when people call me a misogynist. I... love women! Everything I do is to impress women. And if I hated women, why would half my fans be women? "

" I think I just pick really smart and motivated people to work with - people who are probably going to do great things anyway - and I just teach them what I know, maybe teach them how to think a little clearer than they did before, and then off they go. "

" I think that there's a lot of guys out there that want to read the equivalent of chick lit, but really there's not being much written for them. "

" At some point in their life, everyone thinks they should go to law school. You may in fact think you want to go to law school now. "

" Usually, whatever people's particular political leaning is, they either think I'm just like them or the opposite. "

" I've come to learn that what really matters is the relationship, the quality of the relationship. "

" I sold a million books because I have a lot of fans, not because people hate me. "

" You know, even big-time academics kind of have groupies. Anyone with any sort of fame. So, like, in your micro-world, or in your niche, you're kind of like a celebrity. "

" When your buddy tells you a movie is good, that's worth 2,000 commercials. "

" If you don't have a job right now, and you have a computer and a basic intelligence level, I guarantee you can get a great job, paying really well, in less than three months. How? Learn to program. "

" There is always more demand for great content then there will be great content to satisfy it. "

" I don't even pursue girls anymore. I mean, I could obviously still pursue girls. It's not like I can't. But I don't have to pursue girls anymore. Girls come to me. "

" I started my blog in 2002. That was pre-MySpace, pre-Facebook. That was back before newspapers realized they were going out of business. That was back when no one gave any credence to Internet writers. "

" Most of my success, I feel, comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer. "

" I'm not West Coast at all. I was born in Atlanta, but I grew up in Kentucky, outside of Lexington, in Winchester. "

" No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff. "

" There aren't a whole lot of people in culture that are unapologetically masculine. "

" There is no number or level of success that would make me think, 'Wow, I didn't think that was possible.' "

" My parents got divorced when I was around a year old. My dad was essentially a nonentity in my life until I got to be about 16 or so. My mom was a flight attendant for PanAm, so I moved all over the world. London, Rio de Janeiro. "

" Helping reproductive services doesn't just help women in isolation. It helps men just as much. "

" Books are so cheap and easy to get that people don't bother stealing them, which is the essential rule of piracy that the music business learned much too late. "

" Make no mistake about it: Law school is not a bastion of intellectual discourse. "

" I'm a human. Every human is flawed. I might be flawed in different ways than some people, or worse ways than some people, or better ways than some people. "

" Women always want the guy that other women want. "

" If you make comedy, if you try and make comedy where no one gets upset or offended, you're going to fail. "