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" Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit. "

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" As a general thing, when a woman wears the pants in a family, she has a good right to them. "

" There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory. "

" There are people who are always anticipating trouble, and in this way they manage to enjoy many sorrows that never really happen to them. "

" Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since. "

" One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs. "

" Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world ain't lawful tender for a loaf of bread. "

" Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there. "

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" I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry. "

" Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal. "

" Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are never seen hunting for words. "

" It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those that we intend to commit. "

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" The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that ain't so. "

" Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. "

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" The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm. "

" If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself. "

" When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him. "

" There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it. "

" One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness. "

" Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected. "

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" Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do. "

" A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug. "

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" It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash. "