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" The average person pushes an elevator button 6 or 7 minutes before realizing it's not working. I did a study on this, you know. "

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" I like to think I'm like the guy who goes to the office Christmas party Friday night, insults some people, but still has his job Monday morning. "

" I'm a New Yorker, originally. I was raised in Jackson Heights. I went to P.S. 148 and then Newtown High School. If World War II didn't come, I'd still be there in school. World War II saved me. "

" Frank Sinatra. Hey, Frank, I saw you in 'The Pride and Passion,' and I want to tell you the cannon was wonderful! "

" I've never gone to comedy clubs. "

" My grandchildren just know me now as Mr. Potato Head. "

" I don't practice or write stuff down - everything I do onstage was just made up before I went on. "

" I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner. "

" There's a difference between an actual insult and a friendly jab. So I don't think I'm offensive onstage. "

" I can get an audience screaming in Las Vegas and say, 'Barbara, that was a great show,' and she'll say, 'Would you please hurry up? We have dinner reservations at 9:30.' "

" I did a few movies, but the word 'star'... I cannot compare to a star like Clint Eastwood. I used to call Clint 'Larry Dickman' when he would come to my show; then, he started using the name when he would go under cover in a 'Dirty Harry' movie. That's why he's a movie star... he's so creative. "

" I've never had a written script. "

" Some people say funny things, but I say things funny. "

" I ride a recumbent bike for half an hour every day. "

" My wife, Barbara, is great. She arranges when I do work that I have a day off between performances. "

" I don't like to compare myself with anybody. "

" I enjoy mixed audiences, not one particular group. Short, tall, scientists, Jews, gentiles, whatever, as long as they breathe and like to laugh. "

" I was always the guy who made jokes and ribbed people at parties. After I went to the American Academy of Dramatic Arts I got sidetracked into clubs and started doing comedy. "

" I did a picture 40 years ago with Carroll O'Connor and Telly Savalas, God rest their souls, and Clint Eastwood, called 'Kelly's Heroes,' which we filmed in Yugoslavia for six months. "

" My wife is great. She always goes to the bank to see if the check has cleared. "

" Whatever you do to gain success, you have to hang in there and hope good things happen. Always think positive. "

" At 90, I'm still working a couple of dates a month. My mind is very sharp on the stage, so why not? This may sound corny, but I do it because people - young and old - still come to see me, and they're very enthusiastic about my work. They treat me like the Godfather. "

" I'd like to think my performance is today. I never try to - it's so, as you know, watching me, I have a beginning, middle and ending. But every night the show changes and I relate to an audience and I relate to the young people. "

" I never went out looking for glory. "

" Sometimes, I knew generally what I was going to do, but I've never written anything down. Call it a sixth sense: the lines just come. "

" Somehow, in my head, I don't think I'll die. I know that everybody dies, of course. I just think that it'll never come to me. It's crazy, but there it is. "

" Sinatra was somebody special. "

" I told jokes badly. "

" Many, many years ago, I stood on the stage and told bad jokes and did Sophie Tucker as an impersonation, and nobody looked up; and suddenly, I looked down and said, 'Sir, I'm getting fed up with you. Either you watch, or I'm going to suck your neck,' or words to that effect, and suddenly people started to laugh. "

" Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper. "

" Nobody ever dared with Frank, because he had such mood swings, and you never knew how he was going to react. But I could tell the minute I saw him that he was going to be in my corner. "