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" I enjoy mixed audiences, not one particular group. Short, tall, scientists, Jews, gentiles, whatever, as long as they breathe and like to laugh. "

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" When I was a younger guy doing comedy, it was a big struggle. Promoters canceled me out of clubs left and right when I called somebody a dummy or a yo-yo. Then they realized I was different. "

" To this day, when I say that I went to the American Academy, people are very impressed. The reputation of the school has always been fantastic. "

" Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel. "

End Of The Tunnel

" Most people think the character I do onstage is the way I am offstage, but I'm just a regular guy who spends time with his family and who turns on the television and watches a lot of sports. "

" I have my own gym. When you do jokes and they sell, you get a gym. "

" I have a problem, if the light goes on on TV and it blinks midnight, I don't know how to fix it. "

" To my knowledge, I was the first guy really to do what I do. And then later on different comedians started trying doing it. "

" I don't say I was the first, because, who knows, maybe there was a guy out in Minnesota doing it before me. "

" I was nice to the people in the Philippines for the two and a half years I was there, because I knew eventually I'd have to kiss up to them so my grandchildren could have toys. "

" Don't call me 'sir; 'King Jew' will do fine. "

" I like to think I'm like the guy who goes to the office Christmas party Friday night, insults some people, but still has his job Monday morning. "

" Asians are nice people, but they burn a lot of shirts. "

" Diana Krall I met in, I think it was Canada. She's a lovely lady. Her husband, Elvis Costello, is a great star. "

" I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. "

" Many, many years ago, I stood on the stage and told bad jokes and did Sophie Tucker as an impersonation, and nobody looked up; and suddenly, I looked down and said, 'Sir, I'm getting fed up with you. Either you watch, or I'm going to suck your neck,' or words to that effect, and suddenly people started to laugh. "

" Sinatra had a lot of mood swings, but he was wonderful to my wife Barbara and to me. He made no bones about who he liked and who he loved, and he had this great charisma. When he walked into a room, it stopped. I've only seen that happen with Ronald Reagan. "

" When I'm onstage, I'm acting. "

" I think if I took therapy, the doctor would quit. He'd just pick up the couch and walk out of the room. "

" If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny. "

" I never went out looking for glory. "

" The man I adored, and miss him terribly, was Johnny Carson. "

" You know how a fighter always comes into the dressing room way before a fight? That's me - I'm like a fighter. "

" Las Vegas is the boiling pot of entertainment. "

" So, I'm on the satellite every Sunday, no matter where we are, with the Rams. Turn on the satellite; got to watch the Rams. "

" What keeps me going is that young people still want to see me. "

" Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend! "

" I've been hot, I've been lukewarm, I've been freezing, but I've always been a headliner. "

" I'm very shy so I became very outgoing to protect my shyness. "

" My life was in Montreal years ago. Best food in the world. "

" I do situations and make fun of authority and life. "